Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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