I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
