yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
