Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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