Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
organizing the empties. That sober.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
