They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
