you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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