Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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