Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
