drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
