Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I faked an abortion last night.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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