if you like me you must not know who I am
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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