I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
