Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
