Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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