He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
