you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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