My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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