Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
