he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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