I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize