watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
