Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
