found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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