I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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