why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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