Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
