and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
