So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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