I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
