went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
