my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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