I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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