Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
