hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
