i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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