My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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