you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
