I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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