Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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