Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Randomize
