I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
