I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
