I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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