barbara walters just said penis...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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