currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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