I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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