I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
