why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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