Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
