wanna go halves on a baby?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
