dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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