He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
