I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
