You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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